Bacon, Eggs and God

 

Falling Out Of Love

Whoso findeth a wife or husband [emphasis added] findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22

You have bared your soul, you became vulnerable, you apologized for everything under the sun (even for things you didn’t do), and what did you get for it? You got hurt and betrayed. The betrayal may not be as injurious as cheating, but it can be, and it still hurts. Betrayal is quite simplistic. Even ignoring a spouse when he or she is talking is a form of betrayal. And when you continue to ignore your spouse, the previous foundation of common ground, upon which your relationship was built, gets lost in the disregard you are showing to the person you promised to love and cherish.

Now, just suppose that deep down inside you want to maintain the marriage, and you should want to. Maybe you have been married a long time and you have raised a family together. How in the world can you get back to opening yourself up to someone who has hurt you? How can you possibly fall in love with such a person again? You are torn because you know it would be good to keep the relationship intact, but the emotional attachment has become pallid. What can you do?

The joy, joy, joy feelings you experienced at the onset of your relationship can come back, but the process has to occur in reverse order now. At the beginning of your relationship, you just opened yourself up and there it was. You can’t do that this time. Even if you really would like to, your survival instincts won’t let that happen, and you must honor those instincts. So how can you allow the relationship to be restored and still protect your vulnerability?

First, your partner must prove to you, in every conceivable way, that he or she has changed. Patience becomes paramount in the process, because your partner will be so anxious to wish away all the bad in the relationship—which is understandable—that he/she may make you feel like he/she is more concerned with what he/she is getting out of the restoration process…than what you are being offered. If your partner has truly overcome his/her hurtful behavior, then it must go along with an attitude of patience for your healing—and giving of himself/herself. It has to be about you, not him/her, this time around.

And you must also be patient, both with your spouse and with yourself. His/her awakening to the fact that you have been deeply wounded in the relationship, and that you need to heal, will become apparent to him/her. Your spouse will realize that change goes way beyond no longer being counterintuitive with you. This process is going to take time and during this period of rebuilding it is best that the two of you work on it together; family and friends should not be involved in your decision making. Why? You and your spouse married each other and family and friends are biased outsiders.

As time passes, there will be a sense that your spouse is growing. You can see that something new is on the horizon. The old expected behaviors no longer happen and new, better ones are in their place: consideration, gentleness, sensitivity, a refusal to engage in petty disagreements, generosity of time and effort. Respect and trust begin to grow. The more positive observations you make, the stronger your trust will be in your spouse.

Respect and trust will allow you to open up, little by little. You won’t have to force it; it will be a natural process. There will be new things in the “new you” that had previously experienced the emotional upheaval of those difficult times in your marriage. Your spouse will open the door to intimacy when you know that he/she has heard you. You then become willing to once again be vulnerable and more open. In turn, your spouse will be able to talk about his/her awakened awareness of his/her past selfishness and hurtfulness and the regret he/she feels. During these heartfelt confessions, he/she too will be vulnerable, and this will open the door wider to falling in love again.

Why should you risk this difficult process? It’s more than falling in love and even more than preserving a marriage. It’s something rich and fulfilling; just as you experienced the first time around. It’s a rock-solid knowledge of who this other person really is, leading to a much deeper bond, greater respect, and stronger trust than you could ever have with a different person.

And for those who claim to be believers…restoration is Scriptural.

Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him: but I will maintain mine own ways before him. Job 13:15

Read the story of Job and marvel at God’s abundance in restoration. Here was a man who had lost everything. A man bewildered at what had happened in his life. Yet even though all these things happened to Job, he did not turn from his God. He maintained his faith and his belief.

Maybe, at this very moment, you might be in the valley of despair. You might be alone and lonely. You might feel lost and afraid. Your life may lie in pieces, scattered about on the floor of desperation. You may be looking at these pieces and thinking how could they ever become whole again.

The answer lies in your faith, because God can take the shattered pieces of your life and mend that which is broken, making it into a vessel strong enough to hold all the blessings he wishes to pour into it.

Your spouse may have gotten off the path that Jesus walked, and sadly, there is no guarantee that he/she will ever get back on that path. Pray for them. Really, that is all you can do until they choose to first restore their relationship with Jesus Christ. If they do not choose restoration, then you need to get your house in order so you can continue to receive the blessings from God.

And I know what many of you are thinking: “How come he/she cannot see the changes in your life.”

Honestly, they probably can see the positive changes you have made in your life, but unfortunately, your spouse is most likely under the influence of outsiders who would prefer that you remain apart. Generally, those outsiders are persons who also have failed relationships or marriages and have never attempted the restoration process. They are the quintessential example of the old saying, “Misery loves company.”